Gaze in awe - Ana Montoya

I remember all the insecurities and anxieties I held on to so tightly at the beginning of The Fellowship. “Who am I within this group of people? What’s my role and why am I here?” I spent the first few weeks second guessing my decision and feeling lost within the bubble of Sky Ranch. Within the community, someone pointed me to Psalm 139 to study and memorize. I grasped onto scripture and clung to it everyday. I felt comfort reading that I am known. I am loved. I am fearfully and wonderfully made. I am not abandoned. I am valued.

Time passed and I still struggled in knowing who I was. I still ran away from confrontation. Somehow I kept saying I wanted to be refined and sanctified throughout this year, but was terrified of the process. My feelings dictated the way I interacted within the community of fellows, how I was in the word, and my prayers to the Lord.

I came to realize, gosh...I was reading it so wrong.

“O Lord, you have searched me and known me!

You know when I sit down and when I rise up;

    you discern my thoughts from afar.

You search out my path and my lying down

    and are acquainted with all my ways.

Even before a word is on my tongue,

    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.”

The Lord is all knowing. It’s not about me being known, but His omniscience. He is creator, He is able to have intimate relationships with an infinite number of people, and He is all powerful to know everyone’s thoughts and steps.

“You hem me in, behind and before,

    and lay your hand upon me.

Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;

    it is high; I cannot attain it.”

I can barely grasp to understand who He is, and in no way can even comprehend the knowledge He attains. The Lord is incomprehensible. My little human mind is incapable of knowing the full extent of His love and grace, His power, His will, His character. I cannot fully know Him, but He can fully know me.

“Where shall I go from your Spirit?

    Or where shall I flee from your presence?

If I ascend to heaven, you are there!

If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!”

The Lord is in all places at all times. No matter how high or low, He is there. I am bound by both time and my physical state, while He is omnipresent and eternal.

“For you formed my inward parts;

    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

Wonderful are your works;

    my soul knows it very well.”

He needs nothing! He is the creator and sustainer of all life. I, on the other hand, am dependent. I have a need for water, food, sleep, and love, and am solely satisfied and taken care of by the Lord. Only the Lord is self-existent and sovereign.

There is so much freedom found in this!!! It’s about Him!!! I now read Psalm 139 with a whole new perspective. I am filled with awe and admiration of the Lord as His character is so beautifully displayed in every word of scripture. Throughout The Fellowship, the Lord is revealing to me how my gaze is sometimes locked in on myself and not Him. I have learned to worship the King for who He is, to delight in His word, and to embrace the process of sanctification. As my gaze is fixed in awe of our wonderful God, the insecurities, fears, and anxieties diminish. I know who He is and therefore know who I am.