5 Months Ago - Carlos Guerrero
5 months ago, I was leaving a place that had become home. 5 months ago, I arrived at Sky Ranch excited and ready to serve for my second summer. 5 months ago, I arrived at the place that I would call home for the next year. 5 months ago, God truly started working on my heart.
As I sat in the line of summer staffers awaiting to be greeted, I quietly reflected on ways God moved my first summer at Sky and the ways I wanted Him to work during my second summer here. I reflected on the past 5 months that I spent in Lubbock after graduation and the all the ways that I could have prepared myself better for the next season of my life. I felt the weight of my doubtful thoughts creeping in as I unloaded my bags and sat on a trailer of new and familiar faces. I fought for peace of mind, knowing that I would have no control over what my summer would look like or the co-counselors I would have the pleasure of working with the whole summer. Staff training felt like a blur of information and before I knew it, it was week one of summer camp. Going into week one, I was hopeful, excited, yet so nervous of what the Lord was going to show me and break me of during the summer. I felt the same way about my co-counselors. Even though I had experience as a Sr. Counselor in Sky 2, I was fearful of my capacity to lead and love the people under my care. I was afraid to let my co-counselors in, and I was afraid that my mind would be to expectant to start the fellowship. Yet, God knew what He was doing, and man did He do some great things. You see, as much as I enjoyed and loved this summer, it would be a lie to not acknowledge that it was hard and taxing for me in multiple ways. During my time at camp God showed me some insightful things. He reminded me that I am not in control and that I need to trust. He reminded me of why He is good and how faithful He is. He opened my eyes to my sin and brought people in that called me out on it. He showed me how to let go of my pride and anger and what it looked like to fight and pursue people that you want to push out of your life. He brought two amazing co-counselors who helped me see Jesus in the way that they loved others and the way that they encouraged and loved me through my faults. He used my cos to help prepare me for the next season of my life, and for them I am forever grateful.
5 months ago, I didn’t realize how selfish and broken I truly was. 5 months ago, I didn’t want God to break me of my sinful and broken ways. 5 months ago, I was unsure if I truly would be ready for the fellowship.
2 months ago, I walked into my current season of life, the Fellowship. I walked into the unknown with a mind of things still unprocessed from the summer and a heart that wasn’t ready to let new people in. Two months ago, I thought I was in a great place with the Lord. Two months ago, I thought I knew of all the things that I needed to work on. Two months ago, I was clueless of the things that kept me from letting God and others in. Two months ago, I was unaware of the ways that I shut down and the things that I would run to when I wanted to feel comfort and escape my current situation.
Two weeks ago, I deleted social media because I knew it was a distraction but also because I thought it would be a great 21-day challenge. Two weeks ago, I was unaware of all the ways that I was pushing God away or even the ways that I was failing the 13 most amazing and God-fearing people I have met. Until today, I was unaware of the ways that I painted myself like a mirage, a mirage that I thought would captivate people just like the ones that a lost traveler in a desert would see. Until today, I hadn’t reflected on the defense mechanisms I had up, the very ones that are keeping me from being known by the people that I am doing life with currently. Until today, I didn’t realize how much I desperately want to let others in. Until today, I haven’t reflected on how I am like the Pharisees who created new laws that went beyond the laws of the Lord in hopes that no one would get close to breaking those laws. In this way, I have put up walls, many walls that keep people at a distance. They keep people out, they don’t let people get close, they keep me safe from getting hurt, they are my scapegoat to escaping relationships unscathed by emotions or new scars. Unknowingly, I have kept God on the outside as well. My heart longs for me to be known and heard, but I always have kept myself from it. In my two months of the fellowship, my eyes have been opened to the ways that I keep myself from being loved and known by God and by the amazing people He has placed in my life.
During my two months, I have learned that I constantly fail to take Gods hand and just simply trust Him. During my two months, I have learned how I’ve let my insecurities destroy the way that I view myself. During my two months, I have seen how I have been pushing everyone away, when truly all I want to do is let my walls come down and let them in. During my two months, I have learned that my relationship with the Lord has been transactional. During my two months, I have learned that I need to trust, that I need patience, and that I need to lay everything down because my burdens are heavy and there is no use trying to walk through life like this. During my two months, I have gotten new perspectives into the ways I need to grow and mature in my walk with the Lord. During my two months, I have realized that in my two years of knowing the Lord, my first year was filled by trial and error, and this current year has been filled with eye-opening experiences that I have failed to acknowledge and grow from. During my two months, I have felt a new passion for the Lord. During my two months, I have constantly failed at pursuing and seeking the Lord. During my two months, I have never been more grateful to be broken down by the Lord. During my two months, I have realized that I’m not okay and that’s okay because I am known and loved by a God that walked before me and gave me His heart.
5 months ago, I thought I was in a good place in my relationship with God. 5 months ago, I was expectant of God to do amazing things. 5 months ago, I didn’t know the extent of how comfortable I was in my sin. 5 months ago, I walked into the unknown hoping to learn how to fully surrender to the Lord daily. 5 months ago, I didn’t know how grateful I would be for the ways that God is opening my eyes. 5 months ago, I couldn’t picture myself sitting at a coffee shop on the brink of tears as I write about my current season of life. 5 months ago, I didn’t realize that I was going to have to fight to love 13 people by breaking down the very walls I have built to keep everyone out.
5 months ago, God truly started working on my heart.
- Carlos Guerrero
Legacy Fellow XIV